Useful Books about Family

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

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• By Dr. Gary Chapman,
• Five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

The 7 Habits of Effective Family

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• Useful, practical, and Effective
• Genius concept of “Emotional Bank”:
  1. the quality of the relationship to have with others. Like a finanical bank account in that you can make “deposits,” by proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship, or you can make “withdrawals,” by reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust.
  2. And at any given time the balance of trust in the account determines how well you can communicate and solve porblems with another person.
  3. Some “deposits” you can make in your own family–that may be helpful; e.g.: Being Kind, Apologizing, Being Loyal to Those Not Present, Making and Keeping Promises, and Forgiving.
• Habit 1: Be Proactive – “to act based on principles and values rather than reacting based on emotion or circumstance.”
• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind – the cultivation of the first habit is the building of a family mission statement. A family mission statement explains the principles and proriority the family.
• Habit 3: Put First Things First – putting family first in all things. About work-life balance, day care, full-time working mothers, etc; fact that no one else can raise your children as the parent can.
  • An effective tip: weekly family time, a time to plan, to teach, to solve problems, and to have fun.
  • one-on-one time with your spouse and each member of your family as part of the relationship building .
• Habit 4: Think “Win-Win” – next three habits are explained by the author as the root, the route, and the fruit. The mutual benefit when both people are satisfied.
• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand - Then to Be Understood. This is the method for deep interaction with understanding and empathy with another person.
• Habit 6: Synergize – Compromise becomes a way of daily living and loving.
• Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw – the author emphasizes the need for every family to renew itself in the four key areas of life: physical, social, mental, and spiritual.

How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

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• Mentoring has a close connection to raising up children. This book which gave me many insights about mentoring.

1. When should stop overparenting:
   • “let your kids play, let them make the rules, resolve the conflicts, best is if they do it spontaneously on their own (rather than scheduled by parents)”
   • help kids develop life skills
   • let kids roam free out of your supervision
   • teach kids critical thinking / think for themselves
   • prepare kids for hard work, resilience
   • help kids choose school best for them, not necessarily the Best school.
   • “Don’t do for your kid what your kid can already do or can almost do.”
   • “choose toys that allow free play (the more multipurpose/generic the better: blocks and LEGO rather than action figures)”
   • give distance between you and kids
   • let kids take appropriate risks and deal with consequences
2. Life skills:(longer list in book)

   - by 3 years, kid should:
   - by 5 years, kid should
   - by 7 years, kid can
   - by 9 years, kid should:
   - by 13 years, kid should:
   - by 18, kid should:
   

3. teach kids to think for themselves:
   • elementary: ask “why” questions, other reasons/possibilities?
   • middle: ask what they enjoyed about school (and why), what not and why?
   • high: what did you enjoy? why? what makes that interesting ?
   • discuss controversial topic with kids,
   • help them speak up for themselves with strangers/authority.
4. prepare for hard work / work ethic:
   • start chores at 3 years old / toddlers: help with chores: dusting, laundry help / elementary: bring in groceries, clean up spills / middle schoolers: wash car, shovel snow, rake leaves, pick up stuff from the store / high schoolder: clean kitchen, help organize house,
   • expect kids’ help, straightforward instructions, give thanks and feedback, make it routine
5. developing purpose:
   • let long-term goals and purpose become motivator (not parent, not grades, not getting into college)
   • let kids make choices, take risks and make mistakes
   • help kids learn from experience, combat perfectionism
   • notice good and comment on it
   • authentic feedback and criticism (criticize action, don’t place blame)
   • be good model yourself

6. some things child should experience by 18 (longer list in book)

7. look at schools other than “the top”
   • be realistic about the odds
   • princeton review (student opinion)
   • The Alumni Factor (which small colleges allow healthy development, good financial prospects as grads)
   • let the kid decide
8. shifts in childhood in the past 20-30 years:
   • media spread fear of abduction/injury/death
   • falling behind competition (e.g. from other countries)
   • self-esteem movement (e.g. everyone gets a trophy for existing)
   • emergence of playdates (vs child-initiated, spontaneous free play)
9. Symptoms of the social shifts on college kids, graduate students, even employed adults:
   • increasingly dependent on parents to advocate , help them make decisions, deal with uncertainty, provide motivation and path
   • without purpose
   • unable to cope with and overcome adversity of any kind
   • feel entitled to advancement, promotion, success without really trying
   • lacking basic life skills (e.g. out of bed in time)
   • mentally weak: college students stressed out, feel no control, can’t handle failure (or success), unable to deviate from parents’ chosen path
   • parents stressed out too!
10. some relevant “bad” going-on phenomena:
    • fear of abduction
    • allowing children independence, autonomy, going out alone is now criminalized at times
    • trying to create opportunities, give advantage to kids
    • some “parents” doing all the life skills work for kids, fixing their problems, dealing with other adults on behalf of adult children
    • parents doing homework
    • “college admissions is broken”? / estimated 1/4 of college applicants have used a private tutor or college consultant
    • many parents “game” ADHD diagnosis to get an unfair advantage for a non-affected student / ADHD recreational drug use off prescription (particularly in East Coast and boarding schools)

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

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Wonder:

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• A wonderful children book. Touching, moving and encouraging.

The-Namesake

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• Touching, powerful, and a must-read for the first-generation immigrant Family

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

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• Funny, powerful and an eye opener.

Emotional-Intelligence

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