Useful Books about Raising Kids

How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

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• Mentoring has a close connection to raising up children. This book which gave me many insights about mentoring.

1. When should stop overparenting:
   • “let your kids play, let them make the rules, resolve the conflicts, best is if they do it spontaneously on their own (rather than scheduled by parents)”
   • help kids develop life skills
   • let kids roam free out of your supervision
   • teach kids critical thinking / think for themselves
   • prepare kids for hard work, resilience
   • help kids choose school best for them, not necessarily the Best school.
   • “Don’t do for your kid what your kid can already do or can almost do.”
   • “choose toys that allow free play (the more multipurpose/generic the better: blocks and LEGO rather than action figures)”
   • give distance between you and kids
   • let kids take appropriate risks and deal with consequences
2. Life skills:(longer list in book)

   - by 3 years, kid should:
   - by 5 years, kid should
   - by 7 years, kid can
   - by 9 years, kid should:
   - by 13 years, kid should:
   - by 18, kid should:
   

3. teach kids to think for themselves:
   • elementary: ask “why” questions, other reasons/possibilities?
   • middle: ask what they enjoyed about school (and why), what not and why?
   • high: what did you enjoy? why? what makes that interesting ?
   • discuss controversial topic with kids,
   • help them speak up for themselves with strangers/authority.
4. prepare for hard work / work ethic:
   • start chores at 3 years old / toddlers: help with chores: dusting, laundry help / elementary: bring in groceries, clean up spills / middle schoolers: wash car, shovel snow, rake leaves, pick up stuff from the store / high schoolder: clean kitchen, help organize house,
   • expect kids’ help, straightforward instructions, give thanks and feedback, make it routine
5. developing purpose:
   • let long-term goals and purpose become motivator (not parent, not grades, not getting into college)
   • let kids make choices, take risks and make mistakes
   • help kids learn from experience, combat perfectionism
   • notice good and comment on it
   • authentic feedback and criticism (criticize action, don’t place blame)
   • be good model yourself

6. some things child should experience by 18 (longer list in book)

7. look at schools other than “the top”
   • be realistic about the odds
   • princeton review (student opinion)
   • The Alumni Factor (which small colleges allow healthy development, good financial prospects as grads)
   • let the kid decide
8. shifts in childhood in the past 20-30 years:
   • media spread fear of abduction/injury/death
   • falling behind competition (e.g. from other countries)
   • self-esteem movement (e.g. everyone gets a trophy for existing)
   • emergence of playdates (vs child-initiated, spontaneous free play)
9. Symptoms of the social shifts on college kids, graduate students, even employed adults:
   • increasingly dependent on parents to advocate , help them make decisions, deal with uncertainty, provide motivation and path
   • without purpose
   • unable to cope with and overcome adversity of any kind
   • feel entitled to advancement, promotion, success without really trying
   • lacking basic life skills (e.g. out of bed in time)
   • mentally weak: college students stressed out, feel no control, can’t handle failure (or success), unable to deviate from parents’ chosen path
   • parents stressed out too!
10. some relevant “bad” going-on phenomena:
    • fear of abduction
    • allowing children independence, autonomy, going out alone is now criminalized at times
    • trying to create opportunities, give advantage to kids
    • some “parents” doing all the life skills work for kids, fixing their problems, dealing with other adults on behalf of adult children
    • parents doing homework
    • “college admissions is broken”? / estimated 1/4 of college applicants have used a private tutor or college consultant
    • many parents “game” ADHD diagnosis to get an unfair advantage for a non-affected student / ADHD recreational drug use off prescription (particularly in East Coast and boarding schools)

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

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Wonder:

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• A wonderful children book. Touching, moving and encouraging.

The-Namesake

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• Touching, powerful, and a must-read for the first-generation immigrant Family

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

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• Funny, powerful and an eye opener.

Emotional-Intelligence

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